We are what we have gone through

I’m almost 25.

In elementary school, I was told by Katherine that my breath stinks and no one wants to be my friend.

In junior high, I was sent an IM on AIM by Becca and she told me that I was pathetic. I was also sent a message by Mckenzie that I was too ugly, I was too pale, my clothes were ugly, and that everyone actually hated me.

In 8th grade, Jerika tried to get me kicked out. It didn’t work, but they guidance counselor told her children not to hang out with me. It spread through out my entire grade so I transferred schools.

In 10th grade, Jerika transferred to the school that I did and told everyone we were best friends.

In 12th grade, I was told that I looked like I had down syndrome by Josh. He was my boyfriend. He also lied about cheating on me to see me cry.

When I was 21, I had a boyfriend who forced me to have sex with him or he threatened to break up with me.

When I was 22, Taylor accused me of stealing her tattoo idea and bashed me on Facebook where others told me how I’m a bitch.

When I was 22, I had a boyfriend who told me I wasn’t successful enough to be his girlfriend.

When I was 23, I had a boyfriend cheat on me with his ex.

I’m 25 years old with my 4 month old son and my fianc√©. These moments still affect me. I cried in the kitchen holding my son today, because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I don’t want friends, I don’t like people. This is because I don’t want to be rejected. We are what we have gone through. I am made out of what these people have done to me.

I dread the moment my son starts getting bullied and his heart broken.

I can tell myself that I am worth it. I can tell myself that they were hurt people themselves. I can tell myself that I am better than them. I can tell myself that I have loving people in my life now.

I can tell myself all of it, but those words can’t be taken back. They have done their damage.

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Prove them wrong

Four years ago I moved to the Midwest from the East coast. Against all of the warnings that I wouldn’t make it by myself, I thrived. I made friends, I landed a wonderful full time job, and most importantly I found my partner and had my son. When things got hard, I was told to come home. I politely declined the offer.

Now, four years later, I have decided to move in with my parents. Not because I need them, but because they need me. Everyone is warning me that I will hate it and that I need to do what’s best for my family.

Well I am. I am doing what is best for my family.

My parents raised four children and did an unbelievable job. They did everything they could for their children. They have been married for 37 years. However, life is swallowing them whole. Despite all of the warnings, I know this is what I need to do.

I want my son to know kindness. I want my son to see what it means to love. I want my son to know that if you love someone, you take care of them no matter what.

I proved everyone wrong when I moved to the Midwest and now I will prove everyone wrong again. Because I live with my decisions and if someone else makes my decisions for me, well I would never be able to live with that.

Struggling through

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t have a second of rest.

I kept thinking about it & was angry at myself for letting a day go by.

I’m realizing that I need to give myself a break. I’ve done really well within a month with this blog, in my personal opinion.

I’m about to be a part time student, I have a full time job as a nanny, and I’m a full time mother to a 4 month old.

Taking all of that on, I need to keep in mind that just because I have a set back, doesn’t mean I failed. I’m an aggressive go-getter who is extremely hard on herself.

Is anyone else a little too hard on themselves?

We write to translate feelings into words

I know you all have had an off day and you have so many things you need to write, yet you’re staring at a bright computer screen completely blank. You type the beginning of about four lousy sentences and delete each of them thinking “I’m making zero sense.”

It’s frustrating. You have so much to say, yet nothing is coming to mind. That is our job as writers, if you think about it. We have to put these feelings that everyone feels into words, which not everyone is capable of.

That’s why I write; to try & give clarity to those who don’t know what they are feeling. That’s why we all read; to understand that we aren’t alone in these feelings. We need those moments where we go “YES. I’ve been thinking/feeling this and I haven’t been able to convey it! But this writer nailed it!”

So when you are having difficulty conveying your feelings or ideas, take a deep breath.  This is what we write for and when you finally get it right, it will be the best feeling in the world. Not only for you, but for those people who genuinely thank you for giving them clarity.