I’m a wreck & I blame my children

I’m a terrible person. I have children & then blame them for needing me.

However, I am an honest person. So, HONESTLY, I know I’m not the only parent who has felt this. In fact, I’m sure that most parents have felt this. No one will admit it, in fear that CPS will be at our door because of our “neglected” children.

My three year old son was diagnosed with severe autism at two years old.. while I was pregnant with my second child. My oldest throws anything & everything, screams regularly, hits, kicks, and is just generally unmanageable & unpublishable. Antiques destroyed, curtain rods consistently torn down, window LEDGES broken in half, dented walls.

I have two arms, two children. One child needs four arms, the other needs at least two. Atlas, I only have two. So, I’m often met with a choice: oldest or youngest? Other times, I don’t have a choice. The choice is made for me; and that is each kid gets one arm and neither get taken care of. They cried and screamed. I cried and screamed. The only difference being I felt immense guilt after the screaming part.

This week I was met with the dilemma “what in the literal fuck am I supposed to do?” I have a good support system, however, I cannot call on them all of the time. So what do I do? When my toddler has me pinned down & my newborn projectile vomits on me (true story). I can’t call out of “work” and I can’t even go take a break. Unfortunately, I still don’t know the answer. But I’ll keep you updated.

Let me complain at ya

I feel like crying a lot lately. I take an antidepressant. I could up my dose, but I’m pretty sure I’m just upset that my world (and the world in general) is collapsing and it’s NOT a chemical imbalance. I could just be written off as an overly emotional pregnant woman who uses the excuse “I’m pregnant” far too often.

Honestly though, it started with my mom being diagnosed with cancer. She lives in Virginia and I moved 1,000 miles away about six years ago. I think it was six years ago? Anyway, I’ll never let myself live that one down. Way to go, Hannah – you abandoned your mom and family in their time of need; have fun in therapy, asshole.

You know what is something wonderful? I’m expecting another baby boy. However, when you are experiencing such a happy moment and people you love are going through something so completely devastating – you really feel awful celebrating. So while everyone is closing their businesses, crying out of stress because they can’t pay their bills, getting denied for unemployment, being diagnosed with life threatening diseases… Welcome my new little boy into the world! Here’s my registry! Buy me things with your stimulus check!

My first son started speech therapy and it soon was followed by an awkward nod of the head when I asked if I needed to have my son assessed for Autism. So, not only did my mother just get diagnosed with cancer but my son may have Autism. This also was met with an extensive list of doctors to call, waiting lists, prescriptions to ask about, activities to enforce, and so on and so on.

As if my life sounds awesome already, the beginning of my pregnancy was rough. I was light headed, couldn’t walk very far without my heart beating out of my chest, and vomit inducing migraines. My pregnancy was absolutely awful until I realized my tooth was the root (pun intended) of all the issues which resulted in an emergency root canal within hours of calling my dentist.

So while I am balancing a toddler with possible Autism, my mother dying 1,000 miles away, situational depression, health issues (I have kidney stones now I guess) – the economy is collapsing, hospitals are being overrun, and people are dying. While my issues are all very devastating to me, it is a weird time to have this perspective and feeling of being so insignificant & small.

Struggling through

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t have a second of rest.

I kept thinking about it & was angry at myself for letting a day go by.

I’m realizing that I need to give myself a break. I’ve done really well within a month with this blog, in my personal opinion.

I’m about to be a part time student, I have a full time job as a nanny, and I’m a full time mother to a 4 month old.

Taking all of that on, I need to keep in mind that just because I have a set back, doesn’t mean I failed. I’m an aggressive go-getter who is extremely hard on herself.

Is anyone else a little too hard on themselves?

Dear son

Dear Son,

It was a year ago today that I found out I would meet you in eight months.

I showed your father the pregnancy tests and I had never seen anyone in such awe. Truly. They say fathers don’t really become fathers until the baby is there in his hands, but your father fell in love with you as soon as he knew about you. He has been wanting to throw the football around with you & talk to you about how school has been going years before you were born.

You, son, are the scariest & most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. I have never felt so vulnerable, to love this little boy so much.

Your father and I have given up everything because that is what parents do, and we would give up everything ten times over if that meant having you.

So, please remember how unconditionally loved you are. When you are fighting with us about homework or chores, when you are having troubles, or when you are scared – please remember that we love you with such entirety & nothing will change that.

5 reasons why winter is the absolute worst

1. It takes you an extra 25 minutes to leave the house. That includes dressing in a coat, gloves, scarf, etc. Also warming up your car prior to getting in – which is illegal where I live. The cold is pushing me into becoming a criminal. Then scraping the ice or snow off of my car is always a fun little game. Will I lose my fingers to frostbite or not?

2. You can’t look good. Anything that looks good isn’t warm enough and you’ll die of hypothermia. So go ahead and put that big coat, mismatched gloves, and ugly hat on because you’re gonna be warm as hell.

3. Car accidents. Driving is extra dangerous & I’m already awful at driving in the snow. Plus, I’m an anxious passenger. Trust no one. There was a 100 car pile up in Missouri on Sunday and that is fucked up.

4. The air is so dry. I have a nose bleed every other day. I never had a nose bleed in my life until I moved to this frozen hell. My skin hurts. My lips are permanently chapped.

5. People are prone to depression in the winter. Enough said. What kind of devil season does that to people?!

What is your winter like? Do you have a winter?

Wear that struggle

When you sweat profusely at the gym, don’t you feel like a total badass? You’re walking around looking tired as hell, clothes drenched, you’re glistening in the florescent gym lighting. You’re checking in on Facebook “puttin’ in work 💪🏻” and taking your gym selfie. You walk around with confidence that say “yep, I did that. I worked hard as hell, bettering myself.” Something that’s actually pretty gross, we wear with pride.

So tell me, why don’t we wear our dark undereyes with pride? Why don’t we walk into that local coffee shop looking tired as hell? Why don’t we walk around with a confidence that says “Hey, I just got done crying. But I got out of bed, so can I get a quad espresso?” Mamas aren’t wearing their breast milk drenched shirt around like a medal. Those who are going through divorce aren’t flaunting their tearful, red eyes.

You should wear your hard times with pride. They are called “hard times” for a reason – because it’s hard! You’re still getting out of bed, you’re handling your shit, and you are still here. “Oh well, everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to give attention to.” Uh, hell yeah it is. Let’s not sell ourselves short here! Let’s be proud of ourselves more often and say “I’m going through something right now, the stress is unbelievable, but I’m bettering myself and I’m still going.”

Stop hiding what you find to be a weakness, because it’s actually your strength being put to the test. You’re dealing with your problems and that is admirable. Leave the concealer alone, keep cold towels off of those red eyes, and stop trying to fit into those NONE-pregnancy jeans (just embrace the stretchy band). Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Let’s connect & let’s bond over how hard life is. So tell me, what are you going through? What struggle are you proud of?

I want to hear from you

I want to know what you like to read, as far as blog posts go. Current events? Quirky pieces? Tips? New trends? What do you relate to? Does it need to be lighthearted? I’m listening, so that I can write! Help a fellow blogger out!

Passion ain’t just for Nicolas Sparks novels

“Quality over quantity.” It’s a good saying for those of us who don’t have much, yeah? It is true, though. What would life be if you lived to be 100 years old, but you never once lived with intention. You survived, you stuck around, but you never lived. You were in a metaphorical coffin by the age of eighteen.

You learned the importance of money quickly & decided that being an artist will never pay the bills. You met a man who didn’t have anything to offer & left him for man with a bright future. He could give you what you needed. You soon learned that you needed love & he couldn’t put that on his credit card for you. You survived, but you didn’t live. You stepped into that coffin the second you told yourself “happiness won’t pay my bills.”

You learned the importance of money quickly & you learned the importance of happiness even quicker. You decided that life without passion is no life at all. You met a man who didn’t have anything to offer except for his love & support, but that was what you needed. You burned the metaphorical coffin the second you told yourself “life without passion is no life at all.”

I have caught myself just surviving, staying with jobs because they made enough money. I’ve put passions of mine aside, because they didn’t provide me with an income. Society’s idea of success can turn passionate people in slaves of survival. Do not lose your passion for life, for your art, for people. Without passion, we can only survive.

The news is depressing

I used to tell myself that I didn’t watch or read the news because it was depressing and out of my hands. I’m sure 80 percent of you agree with me, but I know you like to pretend like Buzzfeed counts. I admit it was pure ignorance. What I was really saying was “I’m not going to listen or read because it affects me, personally, in a negative way. It makes me sad, angry, and feel completely helpless.” Again, ignorance. I love to wear rose-colored glasses, watching happy little news stories on Facebook. And that’s it.

Yes, I do believe the news is depressing, but what makes me so important to where I can’t be inconvenienced by OTHER’S afflictions? How selfish can I get? Do I turn my back on the problems because it’s easier to forget or even deny that they exist? You may say, “Hannah, the news is all over my Facebook.” Did you know that Facebook only shows you what they think you will like? Not only are you filtering the truth with pure opinion thanks to Buzzfeed & Feminist Blogs, but also – you’re not exposed to what’s going on in it’s entirety. (I love Buzzfeed AND Feminist blogs, don’t attack me).

It is hard to believe that we can make a difference, purely by informing ourselves. As one person, it seems like we don’t have a lot of leverage. We have to plant one tree at a time, before we can have a thriving forest & self-sustaining ecosystem. We cannot change what we do not know and we cannot help our community while being un OR mis-informed.

Dear friends of new parents

Blog9

The transition to being a parent is a not a transition you can even begin to prepare for. Having a baby in your early twenties can be awfully challenging and probably not for the obvious reasons. Yes, we are sleep deprived, we are well-versed in nursery rhymes, and we have officially dedicated our entire life to this adorable tiny dictator. We have come into a generation of people who would rather have a dog and a career before a baby, leaving people in their 30’s before they settle down. We, new parents in our early 20’s, now have the struggle of watching our friends live their lives freely.

We feel guilty missing our time. We watch our friends travel, see great bands, and do practically whatever they feel like.. because they have time. I was watching Tom Segura today and he said that parents do not have time, they have moments. He explained that the difference between time and moments is that time is a Saturday morning where you have nothing to do & go back to sleep for the rest of the day. Moments are taking a sip of coffee and thinking “that’s good” and the moment is over. I constantly remind myself that these moments with my son are so sweet & worth more than all the time in the world. So..

Dear friends of new parents,
We are sorry that all we can talk about is our baby. We are sorry for not coming to hang out more often. We are so, so tired and we cannot come out like we used to. If you would like to hang out, you have to be okay with coming over, having a beer, watching nursery rhymes on Netflix, and having us intermittently changing diapers. If you text us or call us and we do not answer, it is because our baby is asleep on us, there’s a meltdown happening, or we are in the middle of a very serious diaper situation. We wish we could pick up the phone and not have to speak in hushed tones.
We apologize for being shitty friends, but it won’t always be like this. One day, we will be able to go to our bar and hang out for the night. One day, we will not cling to every minute of sleep we are able to. Be patient with us, because we miss having a life, but we have a little babe who needs us more right now. And one day, when you have a new baby, we will be there for you with a beer, watching nursery rhymes, and explaining to your why your baby projectile defecates.

Sincerely, your friends