I’m a wreck & I blame my children

I’m a terrible person. I have children & then blame them for needing me.

However, I am an honest person. So, HONESTLY, I know I’m not the only parent who has felt this. In fact, I’m sure that most parents have felt this. No one will admit it, in fear that CPS will be at our door because of our “neglected” children.

My three year old son was diagnosed with severe autism at two years old.. while I was pregnant with my second child. My oldest throws anything & everything, screams regularly, hits, kicks, and is just generally unmanageable & unpublishable. Antiques destroyed, curtain rods consistently torn down, window LEDGES broken in half, dented walls.

I have two arms, two children. One child needs four arms, the other needs at least two. Atlas, I only have two. So, I’m often met with a choice: oldest or youngest? Other times, I don’t have a choice. The choice is made for me; and that is each kid gets one arm and neither get taken care of. They cried and screamed. I cried and screamed. The only difference being I felt immense guilt after the screaming part.

This week I was met with the dilemma “what in the literal fuck am I supposed to do?” I have a good support system, however, I cannot call on them all of the time. So what do I do? When my toddler has me pinned down & my newborn projectile vomits on me (true story). I can’t call out of “work” and I can’t even go take a break. Unfortunately, I still don’t know the answer. But I’ll keep you updated.

Struggling through

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t have a second of rest.

I kept thinking about it & was angry at myself for letting a day go by.

I’m realizing that I need to give myself a break. I’ve done really well within a month with this blog, in my personal opinion.

I’m about to be a part time student, I have a full time job as a nanny, and I’m a full time mother to a 4 month old.

Taking all of that on, I need to keep in mind that just because I have a set back, doesn’t mean I failed. I’m an aggressive go-getter who is extremely hard on herself.

Is anyone else a little too hard on themselves?

8 ways to navigate your relationship

1. Complete honesty. If you made an “uh oh,” don’t make another “uh oh” by lying about it. Do not try to protect their feelings using a lie. Trust is something that is not easily recovered. If they lose trust, even though they forgive you, they cannot make themselves trust you again.

2. Kindness. Duh. We need kind words constantly and we look to our partners for support and comfort. Give them that.

3. Make them coffee, let them sleep in, leave them sweet notes, buy them little reminders that you love them. Follow up those kind words by showing them you mean it.

4. Forgiveness. Everyone is going to mess up – You are going to mess up & anyone you ever have a relationship is going to mess up. So forgive who you love, because love isn’t easily found.

5. Compromise. Netflix, dinner, weekend plans, date ideas, whatever it may be – it is not all about you.

6. Respect. When you argue, if you speak respectfully, it is more likely that you will resolve the problem instead of creating new ones. Just because you are comfortable with each other doesn’t mean you can be an asshole, then be forgiven. One day they won’t be so forgiving.

7. Know your partner. Know that they are easily angered when stressed, know that they startled easily, know that they need you to ask how their day was. Know these things so you can take care of your partner accordingly.

8. Expect to not like them sometimes. It’s not always going to be great, no matter who you are with. So be patient with yourself & your partner, knowing that relationships have ups and downs.

Is there anything that you, personally, find important to keeping a relationship afloat?

Wear that struggle

When you sweat profusely at the gym, don’t you feel like a total badass? You’re walking around looking tired as hell, clothes drenched, you’re glistening in the florescent gym lighting. You’re checking in on Facebook “puttin’ in work 💪🏻” and taking your gym selfie. You walk around with confidence that say “yep, I did that. I worked hard as hell, bettering myself.” Something that’s actually pretty gross, we wear with pride.

So tell me, why don’t we wear our dark undereyes with pride? Why don’t we walk into that local coffee shop looking tired as hell? Why don’t we walk around with a confidence that says “Hey, I just got done crying. But I got out of bed, so can I get a quad espresso?” Mamas aren’t wearing their breast milk drenched shirt around like a medal. Those who are going through divorce aren’t flaunting their tearful, red eyes.

You should wear your hard times with pride. They are called “hard times” for a reason – because it’s hard! You’re still getting out of bed, you’re handling your shit, and you are still here. “Oh well, everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to give attention to.” Uh, hell yeah it is. Let’s not sell ourselves short here! Let’s be proud of ourselves more often and say “I’m going through something right now, the stress is unbelievable, but I’m bettering myself and I’m still going.”

Stop hiding what you find to be a weakness, because it’s actually your strength being put to the test. You’re dealing with your problems and that is admirable. Leave the concealer alone, keep cold towels off of those red eyes, and stop trying to fit into those NONE-pregnancy jeans (just embrace the stretchy band). Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Let’s connect & let’s bond over how hard life is. So tell me, what are you going through? What struggle are you proud of?

I want to hear from you

I want to know what you like to read, as far as blog posts go. Current events? Quirky pieces? Tips? New trends? What do you relate to? Does it need to be lighthearted? I’m listening, so that I can write! Help a fellow blogger out!

The news is depressing

I used to tell myself that I didn’t watch or read the news because it was depressing and out of my hands. I’m sure 80 percent of you agree with me, but I know you like to pretend like Buzzfeed counts. I admit it was pure ignorance. What I was really saying was “I’m not going to listen or read because it affects me, personally, in a negative way. It makes me sad, angry, and feel completely helpless.” Again, ignorance. I love to wear rose-colored glasses, watching happy little news stories on Facebook. And that’s it.

Yes, I do believe the news is depressing, but what makes me so important to where I can’t be inconvenienced by OTHER’S afflictions? How selfish can I get? Do I turn my back on the problems because it’s easier to forget or even deny that they exist? You may say, “Hannah, the news is all over my Facebook.” Did you know that Facebook only shows you what they think you will like? Not only are you filtering the truth with pure opinion thanks to Buzzfeed & Feminist Blogs, but also – you’re not exposed to what’s going on in it’s entirety. (I love Buzzfeed AND Feminist blogs, don’t attack me).

It is hard to believe that we can make a difference, purely by informing ourselves. As one person, it seems like we don’t have a lot of leverage. We have to plant one tree at a time, before we can have a thriving forest & self-sustaining ecosystem. We cannot change what we do not know and we cannot help our community while being un OR mis-informed.

Self-proclaimed beauty consultants are running rampant

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Why do we ask people how they think we should look? You’re probably thinking “Nope, I don’t. Sorry, Hannah, try again.” If you have never asked Facebook if you should cut your hair, if you have never asked a friend is that dress is too WOAH, or if you never posted a picture of yourself hoping for some thumbs up, then maybe you’re right. You don’t have to admit the last one – no one does. Now, let me ask you, why did you not trust yourself enough to make such a decision?

I, personally, am tired of hearing what people do and do not find attractive. I have seen women become self-proclaimed beauty consultants countless times. I love seeing “her eyebrows are an embarrassment.” You look severely petty and now that is the real embarrassment. I also really like “she would look so much better if she were skinnier.” You would look better if you incapable of speech, B. These S.P.B.C.’s (self-proclaimed beauty consultants) running rampant on Instagram and Facebook are the absolute worst because no one even asked Y O U.

Have you ever seen those videos on Facebook where they go through the decades of beauty? Maybe you have seen the post where they compared between countries the ideal woman? If you haven’t, you should. My reason for bringing this up, is that there is no unified ideal. Literally, there isn’t one. No woman, nor decade looked the same. Different strokes, for different folks.

So next time you ask someone’s opinion, you’re better off asking yourself instead. There will always be someone who doesn’t like the way you look. There will always be someone who can run off at the mouth, telling you what you could change to look better. Just be okay with yourself and don’t be a shitty person shedding light upon the “unfortunate” who don’t know how to properly contour. Please.

Think before you write

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My parents were never transparent when it came to being upset or angry. When I was about 16, my mother found a Captain Morgan liquor bottle in my bedroom. I was never confronted about it… directly. However, she did pour out the liquor and put a lovely bouquet of flowers from her garden in it. My dad, he found a pack of Marlboro menthols in my car. Like my mother, he never directly confronted me about it. He, quoting Forrest Gump, wrote “stupid is as stupid does” on the pack. I, sort of, adore their parenting skills now.

I, however, did not inherit this passive way of communicating anger.  If something is bothering me, I will gladly let you know. If I am angry, naturally, I will list all of the reasons why; it’s a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I never harbor anger and I never have anything to hide. It’s a curse because, most of the time, my anger is clouding my judgement. I have spent many years learning how to be angry and not speak.

This is so important to exercise with your family. If you speak in anger, you will not make any progress toward solving the problem. 80% of the time, when I speak in anger, I get tongue-tied and make no zero sense. If I am upset with my someone, I cannot talk about it right away because someone’s feelings will get hurt. I need time to stay quiet and decide whether if what I’m feeling is anger, exhaustion, or if it is something else caused it. I have to decide what I am going to say and how I should say it so that it doesn’t provoke more anger.

Now, to make it relatable to the majority, think about how many times you have been angry and spoke. Think about how many times small fights turned into a massive problem. On social media, I have seen where someone will post a book worth of problems and anger. In .02 seconds 800 of your friends, family, and strangers now know way too much. They probably don’t even know what they know, but they know something is really wrong with you. To be honest, when we talk in anger, we look awful and no one wants to be around that. If we have any intention to make peace, start thinking before you throw punches.

Grow up & start acting like a child

I have been a nanny for a total of about five years and I have a boy of my own. Children are horrifically honest. I don’t know how many times I have been embarrassed by a child just making an observation about my haggard appearance. Children are also, typically, ready to make some new friends. It doesn’t matter what their new friend looks like. If they are on the same playground, they have a new best friend until you leave. Children like yummy food, because what are calories? Children find pure joy in such small things, such as: bubbles, rain puddles, snow, swimming, going on a bike ride, etc.

Adults are not my people. Some of us are angered by slow cars, long lines at the coffee shops, and slow technology. Some care about money more than they care about spending time with their family. Some of us don’t give people a chance, based off of their looks, political stance, religion, sexual orientation, etc. We tell “white lies” because it’s easier than saying what we think.

I want to know where in life we, as adults, lost our joy in the simple things. We may not take joy in snow or bubbles, but hey, maybe let’s find joy in a good cup of coffee or tea, a big book, or taking a nice walk. Let’s not decide who someone is because of their social status. Eat the chocolate chip cookie, because your weight doesn’t define you. Let’s stop telling white lies to spare feelings and change our way of thinking instead. Let’s be patient with our fellow drivers, baristas, and our phones. Let’s take a lesson from children, because I personally feel like they got it right.

Did I forget my phone or my hand?

This morning, I let my car warm up and scraped the ice off my windshield. My boyfriend, Evan, and I got into the car with our son. Evan drove me to work, then left to go to work himself. I got to work (I’m a nanny), unpacked the diaper bag, and I started making breakfast for the kids. I eventually reach for my phone in my coat, but a wave of anxiety hits me when I put my hand into an empty pocket. I quickly tear through every possible hiding spot, only ending up angry.

I am not someone who turns around for my iPhone if I’m going out for a few hours. I do not scroll during dinner. I am not much of a texter;  I mostly just reach out to Evan through out the day & make sure a few friends are doing okay occasionally. I do fall victim to apps & Pinterest, looking to make a connection to the outside world while I am amongst people who just want to watch Little Baby Bum, beg for your food, and cry when they fall.

I’m not addicted to my phone, but I need it available to me. The worst part is I don’t even know why exactly. I have my laptop to have a connection to the outside world. I can message people through my laptop. I can read any article that I want. I can scroll away. Why is it that I have such anxiety knowing that my iPhone is 25 miles away? I think most of us don’t realize that if we don’t have our phone, it feels like our hand is missing. We do not know what it’s like to go without our phone for long stretches of time.

This is an awful realization for me; that I am actually addicted to my phone and I didn’t even know it. I encourage everyone to “forget” their phone at home more often and see how you react. Let’s enjoy every moment our children give us because they will not be this age forever. Let’s go on a hike or go to the beach and not look at it through a lens. Let’s go to concerts and take in all they have to offer, instead of using up 2GB of storage on your phone to let everyone know that you were there. Let’s start living life the way it was intended.