Let me complain at ya

I feel like crying a lot lately. I take an antidepressant. I could up my dose, but I’m pretty sure I’m just upset that my world (and the world in general) is collapsing and it’s NOT a chemical imbalance. I could just be written off as an overly emotional pregnant woman who uses the excuse “I’m pregnant” far too often.

Honestly though, it started with my mom being diagnosed with cancer. She lives in Virginia and I moved 1,000 miles away about six years ago. I think it was six years ago? Anyway, I’ll never let myself live that one down. Way to go, Hannah – you abandoned your mom and family in their time of need; have fun in therapy, asshole.

You know what is something wonderful? I’m expecting another baby boy. However, when you are experiencing such a happy moment and people you love are going through something so completely devastating – you really feel awful celebrating. So while everyone is closing their businesses, crying out of stress because they can’t pay their bills, getting denied for unemployment, being diagnosed with life threatening diseases… Welcome my new little boy into the world! Here’s my registry! Buy me things with your stimulus check!

My first son started speech therapy and it soon was followed by an awkward nod of the head when I asked if I needed to have my son assessed for Autism. So, not only did my mother just get diagnosed with cancer but my son may have Autism. This also was met with an extensive list of doctors to call, waiting lists, prescriptions to ask about, activities to enforce, and so on and so on.

As if my life sounds awesome already, the beginning of my pregnancy was rough. I was light headed, couldn’t walk very far without my heart beating out of my chest, and vomit inducing migraines. My pregnancy was absolutely awful until I realized my tooth was the root (pun intended) of all the issues which resulted in an emergency root canal within hours of calling my dentist.

So while I am balancing a toddler with possible Autism, my mother dying 1,000 miles away, situational depression, health issues (I have kidney stones now I guess) – the economy is collapsing, hospitals are being overrun, and people are dying. While my issues are all very devastating to me, it is a weird time to have this perspective and feeling of being so insignificant & small.

There will always be wolves amongst the sheep

Man, oh man, am I glad that my computer remembered my password to this blog. I haven’t written in so long that I was pleasantly surprised my blog’s name. Casual Compositions. Nice. Anyway – I’m over here having a whole ass crisis. I started an Etsy business like every other stay at home mom. Little did I know, that starting this business would create an uproar inside of my head.

About three months ago, I decided to leave my part time job slingin’ coffee to sell vintage. I don’t know if people are lying to me when they say “wow, that’s so cool!” However, I do know, that I would absolutely lie to someone under the circumstances of them staring directly into eyes and me not wanting to break their creative spirit and drive. I recently made a Facebook page for my Etsy. I sent everyone on my friends list an invitation. I, very quickly, realized that this was equivalent to presenting a project in front of everyone from your 5th grade best friend’s grandma to your ex-boss who sent you a breast pump about two years ago.

I remember a conversation I had with my mom as soon as I started my business. I called, and with a very serious demeanor, I said: “mom, I have deep rooted trust issues.” What does my mother say? She said, in the most upbeat manner possible, “good for you!” Now, this was not the response I was expecting. I honestly didn’t even know where she was going with that. She explained to me that I’m smart enough and I have been through enough to understand that most people aren’t trustworthy. She gave me an example; if someone burns you, are you going to trust them? No, you’d be a fool.

At this point, I am thinking: the hardest part to cope with about my trust issues isn’t that I’m wrong… It’s that I’m right. When I send Facebook invites to my 8th grade Spanish teacher, I know he’s going to remember how I skipped class and would say something like “this is where skipping class gets you – Etsy.” When I post four to six photos on my Instagram, there are going to be people who will unfollow me because I am dreadfully annoying. There are going to be family members who think “there’s no way in hell that’s going to go anywhere” and that is going to be ok.

There is a question I always ask myself when I am putting a lot of work into something. “Would you still be doing this, if you never got any credit for doing it?” This really puts my motives into perspective. Are you doing it because you love it or because it looks good on you? Your success isn’t a sweater from H&M. Your success is for you. It is only for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Wear that struggle

When you sweat profusely at the gym, don’t you feel like a total badass? You’re walking around looking tired as hell, clothes drenched, you’re glistening in the florescent gym lighting. You’re checking in on Facebook “puttin’ in work 💪🏻” and taking your gym selfie. You walk around with confidence that say “yep, I did that. I worked hard as hell, bettering myself.” Something that’s actually pretty gross, we wear with pride.

So tell me, why don’t we wear our dark undereyes with pride? Why don’t we walk into that local coffee shop looking tired as hell? Why don’t we walk around with a confidence that says “Hey, I just got done crying. But I got out of bed, so can I get a quad espresso?” Mamas aren’t wearing their breast milk drenched shirt around like a medal. Those who are going through divorce aren’t flaunting their tearful, red eyes.

You should wear your hard times with pride. They are called “hard times” for a reason – because it’s hard! You’re still getting out of bed, you’re handling your shit, and you are still here. “Oh well, everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to give attention to.” Uh, hell yeah it is. Let’s not sell ourselves short here! Let’s be proud of ourselves more often and say “I’m going through something right now, the stress is unbelievable, but I’m bettering myself and I’m still going.”

Stop hiding what you find to be a weakness, because it’s actually your strength being put to the test. You’re dealing with your problems and that is admirable. Leave the concealer alone, keep cold towels off of those red eyes, and stop trying to fit into those NONE-pregnancy jeans (just embrace the stretchy band). Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Let’s connect & let’s bond over how hard life is. So tell me, what are you going through? What struggle are you proud of?

Waiting? You mean wasting.

What is it that you do daily that makes you look forward to tomorrow? Is it your job? Is it the stopping at your favorite coffee shop to order a light roast & a slice of banana chocolate chip bread? Is it hanging out with your friends and family? Is it watching Orange is The New Black for the fifth time?

I have found myself, far too often, spending five days of the week just waiting for Saturday & Sunday. What a miserable way to live life, wasting it on waiting. Not only do we, as humans, wait for the weekend, but we also wait for life to finally be better. We are waiting to have a little extra income, to find our other half, to be skinnier, to have our dream home, to finally be happy. What we are doing by waiting is actually wasting.

We are wasting the present on the possibility of the future. It all comes to the saying “happiness comes from within.” I’m sure you’re going to say “yeah, bullshit,” because I used to think the same way. The truth is, that you will spend your entire life waiting because it will never be enough for you. You have to find contentment and enjoyment in your daily life, and that just depends on your perspective.

What the F is morale

I was watching Survivorman the other day with my boyfriend. If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically where this man is dropped off in the middle of nowhere and has to survive for a week. Of course, he has his main concerns like food & water. In one episode, this man was doing yoga. Now, if you’re anything like me, if you’re stranded without food, water, or shelter…. you bet your ass I am not going to be doing some damn yoga. I find excuses NOT to do yoga even on my best day. He mentions that he does yoga to keep his morale up or he will feel defeated by the wilderness and essentially die. Before watching that episode, in my 24 years of living, I have never contemplated of the concept behind morale.

What exactly is morale? Well, I like this definition the best: “the level of individual psychological well-being based on such factors as a sense of purpose and confidence in the future.” As a mother, I need some damn morale. I need some morale before I feel defeated by the wilderness that I call motherhood. I will not be partaking in yoga in the Gobi Desert, but maybe I could set time aside for a shower that is more than five minutes.

Boosting morale has taken on a new identity as “self care.” However, in the past, I have used “self care” as an excuse to gain five pounds eating too much ice cream, go into debt spending money on those Michael Kors heels, and not getting out of bed for sixteen hours… because treat yo’ self, right? I treated myself one to three times a day. I think that I, personally, need to redefine self care and start looking at it as boosting my moral.

How do I plan on doing that? I could probably not use a can of dry shampoo every week. I could learn a new recipe and regret it immediately when I am scouring the grocery store for something called Kopi Luwak. I will make a bomb new playlist and so I can feel really fierce when I go running. I will make a day to do nothing except watch Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. Hell, I might even purchase a Lush bath bomb online, because going to the mall as a new mother isn’t going to happen (I’m a realist).

Here’s to boosting morale as a mother, mostly because we think going to the bathroom for an extra minute and checking our social media is a break. I will not be using the term self-care. I will not be using “treat yo’ self” to self destruct when I’m feeling lazy or defeated. Most importantly, I would like to thank Survivorman for inspiring me – not to do yoga in the Gobi, but at least to get a Lush bath bomb.