I’m a wreck & I blame my children

I’m a terrible person. I have children & then blame them for needing me.

However, I am an honest person. So, HONESTLY, I know I’m not the only parent who has felt this. In fact, I’m sure that most parents have felt this. No one will admit it, in fear that CPS will be at our door because of our “neglected” children.

My three year old son was diagnosed with severe autism at two years old.. while I was pregnant with my second child. My oldest throws anything & everything, screams regularly, hits, kicks, and is just generally unmanageable & unpublishable. Antiques destroyed, curtain rods consistently torn down, window LEDGES broken in half, dented walls.

I have two arms, two children. One child needs four arms, the other needs at least two. Atlas, I only have two. So, I’m often met with a choice: oldest or youngest? Other times, I don’t have a choice. The choice is made for me; and that is each kid gets one arm and neither get taken care of. They cried and screamed. I cried and screamed. The only difference being I felt immense guilt after the screaming part.

This week I was met with the dilemma “what in the literal fuck am I supposed to do?” I have a good support system, however, I cannot call on them all of the time. So what do I do? When my toddler has me pinned down & my newborn projectile vomits on me (true story). I can’t call out of “work” and I can’t even go take a break. Unfortunately, I still don’t know the answer. But I’ll keep you updated.

Let me complain at ya

I feel like crying a lot lately. I take an antidepressant. I could up my dose, but I’m pretty sure I’m just upset that my world (and the world in general) is collapsing and it’s NOT a chemical imbalance. I could just be written off as an overly emotional pregnant woman who uses the excuse “I’m pregnant” far too often.

Honestly though, it started with my mom being diagnosed with cancer. She lives in Virginia and I moved 1,000 miles away about six years ago. I think it was six years ago? Anyway, I’ll never let myself live that one down. Way to go, Hannah – you abandoned your mom and family in their time of need; have fun in therapy, asshole.

You know what is something wonderful? I’m expecting another baby boy. However, when you are experiencing such a happy moment and people you love are going through something so completely devastating – you really feel awful celebrating. So while everyone is closing their businesses, crying out of stress because they can’t pay their bills, getting denied for unemployment, being diagnosed with life threatening diseases… Welcome my new little boy into the world! Here’s my registry! Buy me things with your stimulus check!

My first son started speech therapy and it soon was followed by an awkward nod of the head when I asked if I needed to have my son assessed for Autism. So, not only did my mother just get diagnosed with cancer but my son may have Autism. This also was met with an extensive list of doctors to call, waiting lists, prescriptions to ask about, activities to enforce, and so on and so on.

As if my life sounds awesome already, the beginning of my pregnancy was rough. I was light headed, couldn’t walk very far without my heart beating out of my chest, and vomit inducing migraines. My pregnancy was absolutely awful until I realized my tooth was the root (pun intended) of all the issues which resulted in an emergency root canal within hours of calling my dentist.

So while I am balancing a toddler with possible Autism, my mother dying 1,000 miles away, situational depression, health issues (I have kidney stones now I guess) – the economy is collapsing, hospitals are being overrun, and people are dying. While my issues are all very devastating to me, it is a weird time to have this perspective and feeling of being so insignificant & small.

There will always be wolves amongst the sheep

Man, oh man, am I glad that my computer remembered my password to this blog. I haven’t written in so long that I was pleasantly surprised my blog’s name. Casual Compositions. Nice. Anyway – I’m over here having a whole ass crisis. I started an Etsy business like every other stay at home mom. Little did I know, that starting this business would create an uproar inside of my head.

About three months ago, I decided to leave my part time job slingin’ coffee to sell vintage. I don’t know if people are lying to me when they say “wow, that’s so cool!” However, I do know, that I would absolutely lie to someone under the circumstances of them staring directly into eyes and me not wanting to break their creative spirit and drive. I recently made a Facebook page for my Etsy. I sent everyone on my friends list an invitation. I, very quickly, realized that this was equivalent to presenting a project in front of everyone from your 5th grade best friend’s grandma to your ex-boss who sent you a breast pump about two years ago.

I remember a conversation I had with my mom as soon as I started my business. I called, and with a very serious demeanor, I said: “mom, I have deep rooted trust issues.” What does my mother say? She said, in the most upbeat manner possible, “good for you!” Now, this was not the response I was expecting. I honestly didn’t even know where she was going with that. She explained to me that I’m smart enough and I have been through enough to understand that most people aren’t trustworthy. She gave me an example; if someone burns you, are you going to trust them? No, you’d be a fool.

At this point, I am thinking: the hardest part to cope with about my trust issues isn’t that I’m wrong… It’s that I’m right. When I send Facebook invites to my 8th grade Spanish teacher, I know he’s going to remember how I skipped class and would say something like “this is where skipping class gets you – Etsy.” When I post four to six photos on my Instagram, there are going to be people who will unfollow me because I am dreadfully annoying. There are going to be family members who think “there’s no way in hell that’s going to go anywhere” and that is going to be ok.

There is a question I always ask myself when I am putting a lot of work into something. “Would you still be doing this, if you never got any credit for doing it?” This really puts my motives into perspective. Are you doing it because you love it or because it looks good on you? Your success isn’t a sweater from H&M. Your success is for you. It is only for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Prove them wrong

Four years ago I moved to the Midwest from the East coast. Against all of the warnings that I wouldn’t make it by myself, I thrived. I made friends, I landed a wonderful full time job, and most importantly I found my partner and had my son. When things got hard, I was told to come home. I politely declined the offer.

Now, four years later, I have decided to move in with my parents. Not because I need them, but because they need me. Everyone is warning me that I will hate it and that I need to do what’s best for my family.

Well I am. I am doing what is best for my family.

My parents raised four children and did an unbelievable job. They did everything they could for their children. They have been married for 37 years. However, life is swallowing them whole. Despite all of the warnings, I know this is what I need to do.

I want my son to know kindness. I want my son to see what it means to love. I want my son to know that if you love someone, you take care of them no matter what.

I proved everyone wrong when I moved to the Midwest and now I will prove everyone wrong again. Because I live with my decisions and if someone else makes my decisions for me, well I would never be able to live with that.

Struggling through

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t have a second of rest.

I kept thinking about it & was angry at myself for letting a day go by.

I’m realizing that I need to give myself a break. I’ve done really well within a month with this blog, in my personal opinion.

I’m about to be a part time student, I have a full time job as a nanny, and I’m a full time mother to a 4 month old.

Taking all of that on, I need to keep in mind that just because I have a set back, doesn’t mean I failed. I’m an aggressive go-getter who is extremely hard on herself.

Is anyone else a little too hard on themselves?

We write to translate feelings into words

I know you all have had an off day and you have so many things you need to write, yet you’re staring at a bright computer screen completely blank. You type the beginning of about four lousy sentences and delete each of them thinking “I’m making zero sense.”

It’s frustrating. You have so much to say, yet nothing is coming to mind. That is our job as writers, if you think about it. We have to put these feelings that everyone feels into words, which not everyone is capable of.

That’s why I write; to try & give clarity to those who don’t know what they are feeling. That’s why we all read; to understand that we aren’t alone in these feelings. We need those moments where we go “YES. I’ve been thinking/feeling this and I haven’t been able to convey it! But this writer nailed it!”

So when you are having difficulty conveying your feelings or ideas, take a deep breath.  This is what we write for and when you finally get it right, it will be the best feeling in the world. Not only for you, but for those people who genuinely thank you for giving them clarity.

Being broke

Why does no one like to admit to being broke? It’s embarrassing, I suppose.

I’m not talking about the kind of broke that has a nice savings account. I’m talking about the broke that can barely pay bills.

I think a lot of us are struggling more than we lead on. My partner and I have great full time jobs that pay well over minimum wage, we live in an inexpensive apartment, and don’t do anything ever. Yet, we are still living paycheck to paycheck. No one talks about it though, so we feel ashamed.

I don’t really have eloquent words or valuable lesson. I just want to say being broke is awful, so don’t make it worse by feeling ashamed by it.