My parents were never transparent when it came to being upset or angry. When I was about 16, my mother found a Captain Morgan liquor bottle in my bedroom. I was never confronted about it… directly. However, she did pour out the liquor and put a lovely bouquet of flowers from her garden in it. My dad, he found a pack of Marlboro menthols in my car. Like my mother, he never directly confronted me about it. He, quoting Forrest Gump, wrote “stupid is as stupid does” on the pack. I, sort of, adore their parenting skills now.
I, however, did not inherit this passive way of communicating anger. If something is bothering me, I will gladly let you know. If I am angry, naturally, I will list all of the reasons why; it’s a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I never harbor anger and I never have anything to hide. It’s a curse because, most of the time, my anger is clouding my judgement. I have spent many years learning how to be angry and not speak.
This is so important to exercise with your family. If you speak in anger, you will not make any progress toward solving the problem. 80% of the time, when I speak in anger, I get tongue-tied and make no zero sense. If I am upset with my someone, I cannot talk about it right away because someone’s feelings will get hurt. I need time to stay quiet and decide whether if what I’m feeling is anger, exhaustion, or if it is something else caused it. I have to decide what I am going to say and how I should say it so that it doesn’t provoke more anger.
Now, to make it relatable to the majority, think about how many times you have been angry and spoke. Think about how many times small fights turned into a massive problem. On social media, I have seen where someone will post a book worth of problems and anger. In .02 seconds 800 of your friends, family, and strangers now know way too much. They probably don’t even know what they know, but they know something is really wrong with you. To be honest, when we talk in anger, we look awful and no one wants to be around that. If we have any intention to make peace, start thinking before you throw punches.