I’m a wreck & I blame my children

I’m a terrible person. I have children & then blame them for needing me.

However, I am an honest person. So, HONESTLY, I know I’m not the only parent who has felt this. In fact, I’m sure that most parents have felt this. No one will admit it, in fear that CPS will be at our door because of our “neglected” children.

My three year old son was diagnosed with severe autism at two years old.. while I was pregnant with my second child. My oldest throws anything & everything, screams regularly, hits, kicks, and is just generally unmanageable & unpublishable. Antiques destroyed, curtain rods consistently torn down, window LEDGES broken in half, dented walls.

I have two arms, two children. One child needs four arms, the other needs at least two. Atlas, I only have two. So, I’m often met with a choice: oldest or youngest? Other times, I don’t have a choice. The choice is made for me; and that is each kid gets one arm and neither get taken care of. They cried and screamed. I cried and screamed. The only difference being I felt immense guilt after the screaming part.

This week I was met with the dilemma “what in the literal fuck am I supposed to do?” I have a good support system, however, I cannot call on them all of the time. So what do I do? When my toddler has me pinned down & my newborn projectile vomits on me (true story). I can’t call out of “work” and I can’t even go take a break. Unfortunately, I still don’t know the answer. But I’ll keep you updated.

Struggling through

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t have a second of rest.

I kept thinking about it & was angry at myself for letting a day go by.

I’m realizing that I need to give myself a break. I’ve done really well within a month with this blog, in my personal opinion.

I’m about to be a part time student, I have a full time job as a nanny, and I’m a full time mother to a 4 month old.

Taking all of that on, I need to keep in mind that just because I have a set back, doesn’t mean I failed. I’m an aggressive go-getter who is extremely hard on herself.

Is anyone else a little too hard on themselves?

Dear son

Dear Son,

It was a year ago today that I found out I would meet you in eight months.

I showed your father the pregnancy tests and I had never seen anyone in such awe. Truly. They say fathers don’t really become fathers until the baby is there in his hands, but your father fell in love with you as soon as he knew about you. He has been wanting to throw the football around with you & talk to you about how school has been going years before you were born.

You, son, are the scariest & most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. I have never felt so vulnerable, to love this little boy so much.

Your father and I have given up everything because that is what parents do, and we would give up everything ten times over if that meant having you.

So, please remember how unconditionally loved you are. When you are fighting with us about homework or chores, when you are having troubles, or when you are scared – please remember that we love you with such entirety & nothing will change that.

5 reasons why winter is the absolute worst

1. It takes you an extra 25 minutes to leave the house. That includes dressing in a coat, gloves, scarf, etc. Also warming up your car prior to getting in – which is illegal where I live. The cold is pushing me into becoming a criminal. Then scraping the ice or snow off of my car is always a fun little game. Will I lose my fingers to frostbite or not?

2. You can’t look good. Anything that looks good isn’t warm enough and you’ll die of hypothermia. So go ahead and put that big coat, mismatched gloves, and ugly hat on because you’re gonna be warm as hell.

3. Car accidents. Driving is extra dangerous & I’m already awful at driving in the snow. Plus, I’m an anxious passenger. Trust no one. There was a 100 car pile up in Missouri on Sunday and that is fucked up.

4. The air is so dry. I have a nose bleed every other day. I never had a nose bleed in my life until I moved to this frozen hell. My skin hurts. My lips are permanently chapped.

5. People are prone to depression in the winter. Enough said. What kind of devil season does that to people?!

What is your winter like? Do you have a winter?

Wear that struggle

When you sweat profusely at the gym, don’t you feel like a total badass? You’re walking around looking tired as hell, clothes drenched, you’re glistening in the florescent gym lighting. You’re checking in on Facebook “puttin’ in work 💪🏻” and taking your gym selfie. You walk around with confidence that say “yep, I did that. I worked hard as hell, bettering myself.” Something that’s actually pretty gross, we wear with pride.

So tell me, why don’t we wear our dark undereyes with pride? Why don’t we walk into that local coffee shop looking tired as hell? Why don’t we walk around with a confidence that says “Hey, I just got done crying. But I got out of bed, so can I get a quad espresso?” Mamas aren’t wearing their breast milk drenched shirt around like a medal. Those who are going through divorce aren’t flaunting their tearful, red eyes.

You should wear your hard times with pride. They are called “hard times” for a reason – because it’s hard! You’re still getting out of bed, you’re handling your shit, and you are still here. “Oh well, everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to give attention to.” Uh, hell yeah it is. Let’s not sell ourselves short here! Let’s be proud of ourselves more often and say “I’m going through something right now, the stress is unbelievable, but I’m bettering myself and I’m still going.”

Stop hiding what you find to be a weakness, because it’s actually your strength being put to the test. You’re dealing with your problems and that is admirable. Leave the concealer alone, keep cold towels off of those red eyes, and stop trying to fit into those NONE-pregnancy jeans (just embrace the stretchy band). Be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others.

Let’s connect & let’s bond over how hard life is. So tell me, what are you going through? What struggle are you proud of?

I want to hear from you

I want to know what you like to read, as far as blog posts go. Current events? Quirky pieces? Tips? New trends? What do you relate to? Does it need to be lighthearted? I’m listening, so that I can write! Help a fellow blogger out!

The news is depressing

I used to tell myself that I didn’t watch or read the news because it was depressing and out of my hands. I’m sure 80 percent of you agree with me, but I know you like to pretend like Buzzfeed counts. I admit it was pure ignorance. What I was really saying was “I’m not going to listen or read because it affects me, personally, in a negative way. It makes me sad, angry, and feel completely helpless.” Again, ignorance. I love to wear rose-colored glasses, watching happy little news stories on Facebook. And that’s it.

Yes, I do believe the news is depressing, but what makes me so important to where I can’t be inconvenienced by OTHER’S afflictions? How selfish can I get? Do I turn my back on the problems because it’s easier to forget or even deny that they exist? You may say, “Hannah, the news is all over my Facebook.” Did you know that Facebook only shows you what they think you will like? Not only are you filtering the truth with pure opinion thanks to Buzzfeed & Feminist Blogs, but also – you’re not exposed to what’s going on in it’s entirety. (I love Buzzfeed AND Feminist blogs, don’t attack me).

It is hard to believe that we can make a difference, purely by informing ourselves. As one person, it seems like we don’t have a lot of leverage. We have to plant one tree at a time, before we can have a thriving forest & self-sustaining ecosystem. We cannot change what we do not know and we cannot help our community while being un OR mis-informed.

Being a mom is hard as sh*t and you’re totally not alone

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The past few days, I’ve been struggling with a complete mental breakdown. I was past exhaustion; I felt like I never got a good, refreshing break. I thought about what my partner and I should do to boost my morale a little bit. We went through the list and absolutely nothing sounded great. I didn’t want to go for a walk or go to the park because, damn, I’m already tired and I would give up after two blocks. Go to a quaint little restaurant? So that I can hold my son the entire time, drop my pad Thai on him, and pray that he doesn’t go into hysterics? Nope. Netflix? C’mon, that’s more of a way of life at this point. Hang out with friends? I am seriously exhausted just thinking about it.
I sat on my bed while my partner held our son, and I just thought to myself “great, I’m depressed.” Usually, me not wanting to do a damn thing, usually means I’m depressed. My partner gave me a pep talk (it was really good) and we sat on the couch, had carry out Mexican, and watched Hello, My Name is Doris and Gone Girl. Then I realized that all I needed was to do nothing, but I was feeling so defeated and restless because I was burned out. I don’t think most new moms or moms in general realize when they are coming up on a burnout and that is so, so important.
We have to take preventative measures to avoid the “oh God, I’m depressed” feeling. By the time that takes over, you are about two weeks overdue for some self care. Today, my partner asked if I wanted to take our son for a few hours to visit family. My immediate internal response: “Woah, no. Nope. That’s my son. I birthed him into this world. Why would he leave my side for that long?” My outward response was more like: “… yeah…” We are not bad moms for needing a break. Another idea I struggled with was: what am I going to do?!
Well, let me tell you what I did with my hours that I didn’t want but desperately needed. I vacuumed, descaled my Keurig, did laundry, cleaned everything, I’m currently writing this with a super fresh cup of coffee from my newly descaled Keurig (I’m really proud of that for some reason), and I have some carbs in the form of pasta waiting for me and trashy TV. Why does THAT make me feel better? Because I didn’t have an 18 pound baby strapped to the front of me the entire time. I don’t have to worry about dropping pasta on my son, waking him up with the vacuum, and doing laundry in an apartment complex is downright torture.
My point is that being a mom is hard as shit and you’re totally not alone. You are taking care of someone instead of taking care of yourself and you don’t really even care because you love them so much! But, girl, take the damn break before you kill your partner for no good reason. If you don’t have a partner, don’t be afraid to ask family or friends. If you ain’t got those either, pay someone because, damn, it’ll be worth it.
What I’m listening to: Go by Louis The Child        What I’m watching: Baskets

 

Think before you write

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My parents were never transparent when it came to being upset or angry. When I was about 16, my mother found a Captain Morgan liquor bottle in my bedroom. I was never confronted about it… directly. However, she did pour out the liquor and put a lovely bouquet of flowers from her garden in it. My dad, he found a pack of Marlboro menthols in my car. Like my mother, he never directly confronted me about it. He, quoting Forrest Gump, wrote “stupid is as stupid does” on the pack. I, sort of, adore their parenting skills now.

I, however, did not inherit this passive way of communicating anger.  If something is bothering me, I will gladly let you know. If I am angry, naturally, I will list all of the reasons why; it’s a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I never harbor anger and I never have anything to hide. It’s a curse because, most of the time, my anger is clouding my judgement. I have spent many years learning how to be angry and not speak.

This is so important to exercise with your family. If you speak in anger, you will not make any progress toward solving the problem. 80% of the time, when I speak in anger, I get tongue-tied and make no zero sense. If I am upset with my someone, I cannot talk about it right away because someone’s feelings will get hurt. I need time to stay quiet and decide whether if what I’m feeling is anger, exhaustion, or if it is something else caused it. I have to decide what I am going to say and how I should say it so that it doesn’t provoke more anger.

Now, to make it relatable to the majority, think about how many times you have been angry and spoke. Think about how many times small fights turned into a massive problem. On social media, I have seen where someone will post a book worth of problems and anger. In .02 seconds 800 of your friends, family, and strangers now know way too much. They probably don’t even know what they know, but they know something is really wrong with you. To be honest, when we talk in anger, we look awful and no one wants to be around that. If we have any intention to make peace, start thinking before you throw punches.

Waiting? You mean wasting.

What is it that you do daily that makes you look forward to tomorrow? Is it your job? Is it the stopping at your favorite coffee shop to order a light roast & a slice of banana chocolate chip bread? Is it hanging out with your friends and family? Is it watching Orange is The New Black for the fifth time?

I have found myself, far too often, spending five days of the week just waiting for Saturday & Sunday. What a miserable way to live life, wasting it on waiting. Not only do we, as humans, wait for the weekend, but we also wait for life to finally be better. We are waiting to have a little extra income, to find our other half, to be skinnier, to have our dream home, to finally be happy. What we are doing by waiting is actually wasting.

We are wasting the present on the possibility of the future. It all comes to the saying “happiness comes from within.” I’m sure you’re going to say “yeah, bullshit,” because I used to think the same way. The truth is, that you will spend your entire life waiting because it will never be enough for you. You have to find contentment and enjoyment in your daily life, and that just depends on your perspective.