Struggling through

I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t have a second of rest.

I kept thinking about it & was angry at myself for letting a day go by.

I’m realizing that I need to give myself a break. I’ve done really well within a month with this blog, in my personal opinion.

I’m about to be a part time student, I have a full time job as a nanny, and I’m a full time mother to a 4 month old.

Taking all of that on, I need to keep in mind that just because I have a set back, doesn’t mean I failed. I’m an aggressive go-getter who is extremely hard on herself.

Is anyone else a little too hard on themselves?

We write to translate feelings into words

I know you all have had an off day and you have so many things you need to write, yet you’re staring at a bright computer screen completely blank. You type the beginning of about four lousy sentences and delete each of them thinking “I’m making zero sense.”

It’s frustrating. You have so much to say, yet nothing is coming to mind. That is our job as writers, if you think about it. We have to put these feelings that everyone feels into words, which not everyone is capable of.

That’s why I write; to try & give clarity to those who don’t know what they are feeling. That’s why we all read; to understand that we aren’t alone in these feelings. We need those moments where we go “YES. I’ve been thinking/feeling this and I haven’t been able to convey it! But this writer nailed it!”

So when you are having difficulty conveying your feelings or ideas, take a deep breath.  This is what we write for and when you finally get it right, it will be the best feeling in the world. Not only for you, but for those people who genuinely thank you for giving them clarity.

Being broke

Why does no one like to admit to being broke? It’s embarrassing, I suppose.

I’m not talking about the kind of broke that has a nice savings account. I’m talking about the broke that can barely pay bills.

I think a lot of us are struggling more than we lead on. My partner and I have great full time jobs that pay well over minimum wage, we live in an inexpensive apartment, and don’t do anything ever. Yet, we are still living paycheck to paycheck. No one talks about it though, so we feel ashamed.

I don’t really have eloquent words or valuable lesson. I just want to say being broke is awful, so don’t make it worse by feeling ashamed by it.

Dear son

Dear Son,

It was a year ago today that I found out I would meet you in eight months.

I showed your father the pregnancy tests and I had never seen anyone in such awe. Truly. They say fathers don’t really become fathers until the baby is there in his hands, but your father fell in love with you as soon as he knew about you. He has been wanting to throw the football around with you & talk to you about how school has been going years before you were born.

You, son, are the scariest & most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. I have never felt so vulnerable, to love this little boy so much.

Your father and I have given up everything because that is what parents do, and we would give up everything ten times over if that meant having you.

So, please remember how unconditionally loved you are. When you are fighting with us about homework or chores, when you are having troubles, or when you are scared – please remember that we love you with such entirety & nothing will change that.

Fear of being rejected

I am six days shy of having this blog for a month. It has done way better than I anticipated. That’s the problem. I know you’re thinking, “that’s the best problem I’ve ever heard & you’re kind of annoying.”

I have always had a very backwards way of thinking. The more I have, the more I can lose. I see my stats going up every day and it genuinely gives me anxiety. The pressure is on to put out good, valuable information.

I see it as the more viewers I get, the more hate I will get. I, personally, have been struggling with the idea of being rejected – sob story, I know. I believe that is one of my greatest and dumbest fears. I have removed promoting my blog on my Facebook, due to being afraid of being rejected by people I know personally. Honestly, I find that pathetic.

So just an encouraging word to myself and to writers who feel the same: fuck ’em.

 

Being your own Valentine

Valentine’s Day is a nice day. Flowers, chocolates, pretty cards. To be honest, my partner feeling obligated to give me flowers & chocolates isn’t a good feeling. I would rather have small gestures NOT on Valentine’s Day, so that I know it is voluntary & he is doing it because he loves me.

Years when I didn’t have a Valentine, I bought little pink, heart shaped cakes & flowers. I watched Bridesmaids to relate, THEN give myself hope that I’ll get pulled over by an officer & find love. The morning after Valentine’s Day, I bought myself all chocolate on clearance. I enjoyed the hell out of Valentine’s Day because I took care of myself.

Valentine’s Day as a couple is kind of awful. We should always make each other feel special & do nice things for them – not expect or feel obligated to spend your entire paycheck on one certain day. I think it’s the simple things as a couple that speaks the loudest. Making coffee & cinnamon buns for breakfast, going to the park, and making Valentine’s Day cards for each other – personally, that would mean more to me.

What are your Valentine’s Day plans?!